Sleepless in Daleside..

Hanging in there..

Shit, but this is soo difficult. I hardly slept last night. My thoughts mill around smoking and cigarettes all the time. Every minute is a fight against the urge.

I got home last night and removed the last traces of my habit in the house. Ashtrays out, lighter packed into the Survival camping kit and trash thrown out. Then watched tv and chewed tooth-picks till 2am this morning. Finally fell asleep around 2:30 or so. Back up with the alarm at 04:30. I've got the recovery time table up in front of me in the office, and so far I've reached two milestones:

Within..

20 minutes - Your blood pressure, pulse rate, and the temeperature of your hands and feet(don't ask?) will all return to normal.

True - I'm less out of breath, and even though I am relatively fit, I can breathe deeper than I use to.

12 hours - Your blood oxygen level will have increased to normal and carbon monoxide levels will have dropped to normal.

True - I feel less "toxic" Really! It's difficult for me to explain, but my sinuses feel better, I no longer sniff all the time and although I still have an occational cough it's less bronchital. I'm also not as tired as I used to be either. Normally by 8 or 9pm I'm dead on my feet. I hardly ever finished watching a movie with B in the past.

Fuck! The crucial milestone only occurs around the two week mark when(they say); your body will have rid itself of the 3500 or so chemical particals and 500 gases present in each and every puff. Your body can again function without nicotine.

I will do this.

Dying..

for a smoke.

18 January 2009 11:00am cat - Stopped smoking today.

Yesterday morning at about 11am I ran out of cigarettes. So I grabbed my helmet and jumped on the bike, but just before reaching the gate I realized I had forgotten my bank card. Back in the house I searched high and low, but couldn't find it. I remembered then that It was lying on my desk at work.

You cannot imagine what angst went through my mind. I've been a smoker for 27years and the thought of going without a cigarette till Monday morning was impossible to comprehend. I racked my brain, even considered making a sigarette from the loose butts in the ashtray(if you're not a smoker, you cannot understand addiction).

Then an idea struck me; I'd just phone B down the road, explain my situation and ask her to buy me smokes till I can replace them on Monday, which I promptly did(phone, that is). B said that she was parked in by guests at that moment, but would get to it soon enough. Eventually I phoned her again, but she said she had to go somewhere else first. I told her to leave it.

By that time a weird thought had entered my mind; what if I stopped right now? It was late afternoon, and I had already stopped for longer than I had ever before, whilst not sleeping.

It is now Monday morning and I still haven't smoked. The fact that cigarettes are easily available here in the office is not helping, nor the fact that our cleaning lady sells loose cigarettes and keeps a lighter handy for a quick light-up.

To those of you who know what I'm going through, wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.

Ad infinitum

Black again..

My bed an empty canvas, an untouched sheet of emptiness
I love the aura your soul leaves behind when you leave.

Now all I tasted and breathed has left.

I know you gave me all that you had,
and now my bitter hands shake from your absence.

All the pictures have been washed in black, tattooed in shades of dark grey.
In my dream I walk outside, I'm surrounded by your kids that play.
I can feel their laughter, and still I fear.
These picket-fence thoughts that spin round my head...

How quick the sun can drop away...
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
of what was everything?

All the pictures had been washed in black, I covered everything.
All the love gone bad, turned my world to black.
Black is all that I see, all that I am, all I'll ever be

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, maybe you'll be a star
in somebody else's sky..

This time.. I don't mind.

Desert Love

Those of you who have followed my blog for some time; may have become conscious to the fact that I have a passion for the Desert. I love the ‘uncomfortable’ and I love the harshness. She tickles me on a primevil level.

To be fair to what mother nature has to offer, there are more uncomfortable places on Earth I’m sure. The Desert is however, the motherfucker of all that can go wrong within oneself. Don’t expect velvet covered rose petals and green pastures, only bare stone, thorns and heat. She offers nothing.. makes no promises, just presents herself in the most godly of fashions.. simplicity.

I may have been blessed by the utmost belief in simplicity.

This week Saturday I leave again to meet with her. I don’t expect her to make any promises, give me no relief from scorching Sun. I will however expect her to be curtious upon my arrival, and awe me with the finality of a blood-red sunset. I will even edge her patience towards a star-blessed evening, and rise me with a beautiful shadow-filled yellow sunrise.

It's a 1900+km round trip on a scrambler motorcycle, via the rail line to De Aar, Putsonderwater and back via Taung home.

I'm looking forward to the trip, and hope to share my adventures with you on my return in the new year.

A day at the Zoo

This Photomanipulation took me all of last weekend. The idea is that one day this will be the only way we can watch animals in the wild. Like watching 'Live' television. This is the English Country scene of the Fox and the Hound.

(Click on Photo to enlarge)

..the season to be jolly..

..trala la la la..

Last Sunday, B celebrated her birthday with live music and close friends at our local jaunt. At one time during the day I sat by the pool just listening to the music, when I saw a little baby girl wandering around the pool without a parent in sight. I'm not good at baby ages, but I guessed her to be about 3years old, and she was still wearing nappies. I warned those around the pool to watch out for her and carried on chilling.

Not long after that I heard this scream behind me. The baby had fallen in the pool and was going down fast. I jumped closer and managed to grab her by the ankle and drag her up and out of the water. I held her by her waist facing down and she brought up a lot of water. About 30seconds later her dad finally made it over and took her away. I guess I should have been thankful when he offered to buy me a beer later.

This Sunday while I was out walking the dogs on the farm, I saw a cow in the distance lying down watching us. The minders must have forgotten about her last night and she stayed in the veldt overnight. I took the dogs back first(they get a bit excited around farm animals, and think they have to hunt them all down), and then returned to fetch her. As I neared i saw that she had a calf on the other side of the fence to hers. It must have been newborn, because it was very unsteady on it's legs.

I'm not sure how they got seperated, but I decided to go around and fetch him for mommy. I managed to catch him quite easily, but to carry him all the way around was a mission of note. The bugger must have weighed50 or so kg's already! With the two reunited I sat for a while enjoying the moment before returning home.

Mother and baby back in the kraal.

Two good deeds in one week!


Hope father Christmas is taking notes.

Enchanted Forest