The Agents of Father Xmas

For fucksakes, It’s friggin Christmas again.
The time of year when I am reminded that I simply do not have the money to replace my TV, or whatever it is that I’m about to throw at it every time the fuckin ads come on. The worst are by far the fuckers who can’t afford new ads, or who are just too fuckin lazy to make the effort. They just recycle the same old pathetic fuckin spin that was probably thought out by some egotistical director who schemes he has some sort of artistic gift, because he took Art 1 in Pre-school. Which I must admit, is better schooling than when you join the governmental cycle of tertiary incompetence. (Yes Mr. President, It’s you and me again) But, that’s beside the point.
It’s mostly the retailers – OK bazaar, Checkers (one and the same), the Hyperama (those of the Heyday sale, also OK Bazaar subsidiary) etc, etc, who are the biggest transgressors of the crap we call ad-breaks. I’m also disappointed with Musica and their pathetic excuse of an ad campaign this loony season (otherwise, together with the Nando’s ads they are normally worth staying in the room for). Not only are they pushing the fuckin useless artists who need money to buy expensive over-the-top presents for their spoilt brats, but they do it in a style so totally fuckin lame it makes you wanna puke. We all know (well me anyway) that it’s the time of year where musicians bring out their money-making ‘Best Of’ or ‘Greatest Hits’ CD’s which some of you fuckers lap up like sheep. Never-mind that you buy the same fuckin CD every year or have the Artists’ whole collection that between them contain all their songs anyway.
I can make a list right now, and you can mark my words they’ll have a compilation CD out at Christmas time next year. Let me give you a few examples: Bryan Adams, Westlife (or any other ‘boy-band’). Any 80’s solo artist or band who hasn’t brought out an ‘album’ in yonks - Billy Joel -Meatloaf, or has since died and his family or their Lawyer need the bucks, like Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley; and let’s not forget the Beatles (those that are left anyway). In fact I’m sure Paul Mcartney is only as stinking rich as he is because of the Beatles. Quite frankly I think his music sucks, and any fucker that buys his CD’s does so purely out of a childlike obsession or has a weakness for Idolising. Christ! How can I forget Boney M! But, for those of you who might have read more than a few lines in this blog, I will not venture in that direction again.
The other shit that floods the market this time of year is of course the 'Dutchmen' compilations. 50 Braavleis Treffers, Sokkie met jou Bokkie 2005 and of course the ahh (excuse me while I stiffle a yawn) The Ultimate Rock Collection #435.

Go fuck yourselves, agents of Santa!

Blow it out your arse..

I’d be all for the new smoking laws if it wasn’t so much that the government is beginning to treat us like fuckin children. Let’s face it, ex-smokers are the biggest hypochondriacs when it comes to the baseless furore created over second-hand smoke inhalation. Yeah, yeah, chill the fuck out while I explain.
I don’t give a fuck if you are a Nobel peace-prize winning Scientist, you cannot tell me that percentage-wise, second-hand smoke does more damage than the pollution our friendly industrialised neighbours force down our throats every day. (Read: America, Russia, China and Britain, to name but a few) To be quite honest we don’t exactly have a clean slate either when it comes to air pollution.
The worst is the fact that we emulate our so-called first world nations in adopting regulations and laws that infringe on our personal freedom, yet they (first-world nations) are the biggest transgressors when it comes to fucking up this Planet we call home.
Four or five decades ago, computers that used to solve simple mathematical problems had to be the size of football fields. Now they fit in the palm of your hand, and are able to do so much more. And Bush wants to tell me that solving the pollution emitted from his country’s factories will be too expensive and adversely affect profits, so as to make businesses unable to continue functioning. What the fuck is he smoking?
What pleases me about the new smoking laws is the fact that they are going to make people aware of the dangers by showing you exactly what your lungs look like when you smoke. This will be done with in-your-face advertising that, I guess, will be similar to the adverts denouncing experiments done on our fellow inhabitants of this Planet; the animals. If that doesn’t stop you smoking, I don’t think myself smacking you on the head with a blunt instrument will help either.
So stop fuckin smoking already!



…Honey! , Where’s me fuckin ashtray?