I am different now

I walk through the dry grass, hearing every crack and swoosh, the sounds distinctly separate, as if hours apart. The patches of green rising from what was burnt stubble only days ago. The most beautiful thing I see.
I lift my head, away from that blissful moment, reach out and start climbing. Rung-by-rung I rise. My body heavy, the strain on my arms feels as if I’m pulling the earth up with me. A thought not so displeasing, if it were possible.

Finally I reach the top. Standing high I shuffle inch-by-inch, closer to the edge. My eyes unable to focus, I close them instead, and try to remember how it felt in the dreams. Much better. A calm feeling descends over me and my ears close, shutting out any distractions from the task at hand.

My senses so acute, it’s as if the shout comes through my skin, from the other side of the world. Prying, clawing, trying desperately for me to stop. I cannot stop, even though primal instinct dictates that I should. I slowly fall forward.

“Please, don’t.”

“I forgive you.”

The strength pulling me back is more powerful than I could ever dream her to be.

Back on the ground, I lie exhausted in her arms. The tears streaming down my face. More tears than I have ever cried in my life.

I’m different now.