One evening after an especially heated argument, I stood up and headed for the door. I needed to breath, and I needed to slow my pulse down.
It was at that moment that she stepped in front of me, defiant. Hands on her hips and mouth moving rapidly. I could no longer hear anything. My brain had gone into self-preservation mode. Everything slowed down and all I could see was my arms coming up. My hands flat forward, and I wanted to scream No!, but it was too late. I saw her fall away from me and out of my vision.
B fell down the steps to the lounge and made heavy contact with the chair.
It was the worst moment in my life. No matter how much I tried to console her. I new things can never be the same. The one time when I should have gripped her in my arms and hugged her till she calmed down, I chose to become a barbarian.
I trust she will never forgive me for that, and she shouldn't. I know I will never.
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6 comments:
What can I say.
Sometimes, those parts of ourselves we fear the most, surface.
Then, it is done.
Then, we need to be ever vigilant.
I'm sorry I missed your first entry. You deleted it quickly? Or am I just slow? :)
I guess I can look back at your entry about fear, and know that that is my true fear. I also have to remember who really got hurt.
First entry:
It was something told to me by a friend in confidence, a long time ago.He passed away soon after. I felt as if I was betraying his confidence, hence the deletion
This is personal. Maybe the most valuable kind of entry.. Agree with Michele:
"Sometimes, those parts of ourselves we fear the most, surface.
Then, it is done.
Then, we need to be ever vigilant."
[Sigh]
Think you'll find the exchange between her an Aartappel interesting: Love Changes Everything
"Yes, this is an extreme example, but violence happens all day, every day, in little ways and big; in what we say, and do, and how we treat people. Our attitudes."... We all have blood on our hands.
I understand that you fear this. And yes, also who got hurt.. Getting on my hope horse again... :) I need to say, that the mere fact that it hurt you, that you fear it, for real, shows to what length's you'll go to avoid it, that there is hope left.. for some people it becomes a habit, an unbreakable viscious circle, abuse, hiding behind excuses and self-loathing, more abuse...
Confession.
We were fighting about something stupid. She was pacing back and forth, foaming at the mouth. I was calm, except my hand wanted to reach out and grab her by the neck. I wanted to stop her, have her see reason, her neck was calling my hand, she was shouting but I didn't know, all I could see was her neck and my hand around it.
Then it happened, and for an instant there was releif. We stood there in silence for half a second, me gripping her neck. Then I let go. she was stunned. she started crying. I told her to go to the cops and report it.
I left.
She never reported it.
Bd,
Know the feeling. Thanks for sharing.
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