Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Agents of Father Xmas



For fucksakes, It’s friggin Christmas again.
The time of year when I am reminded that I simply do not have the money to replace my TV, or whatever it is that I’m about to throw at it every time the fuckin ads come on. The worst are by far the fuckers who can’t afford new ads, or who are just too fuckin lazy to make the effort. They just recycle the same old pathetic fuckin spin that was probably thought out by some egotistical director who schemes he has some sort of artistic gift, because he took Art 1 in Pre-school. Which I must admit, is better schooling than when you join the governmental cycle of tertiary incompetence. (Yes Mr. President, It’s you and me again) But, that’s beside the point.
It’s mostly the retailers – OK bazaar, Checkers (one and the same), the Hyperama (those of the Heyday sale, also OK Bazaar subsidiary) etc, etc, who are the biggest transgressors of the crap we call ad-breaks. I’m also disappointed with Musica and their pathetic excuse of an ad campaign this loony season (otherwise, together with the Nando’s ads they are normally worth staying in the room for). Not only are they pushing the fuckin useless artists who need money to buy expensive over-the-top presents for their spoilt brats, but they do it in a style so totally fuckin lame it makes you wanna puke. We all know (well me anyway) that it’s the time of year where musicians bring out their money-making ‘Best Of’ or ‘Greatest Hits’ CD’s which some of you fuckers lap up like sheep. Never-mind that you buy the same fuckin CD every year or have the Artists’ whole collection that between them contain all their songs anyway.
I can make a list right now, and you can mark my words they’ll have a compilation CD out at Christmas time next year. Let me give you a few examples: Bryan Adams, Westlife (or any other ‘boy-band’). Any 80’s solo artist or band who hasn’t brought out an ‘album’ in yonks - Billy Joel -Meatloaf, or has since died and his family or their Lawyer need the bucks, like Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley; and let’s not forget the Beatles (those that are left anyway). In fact I’m sure Paul Mcartney is only as stinking rich as he is because of the Beatles. Quite frankly I think his music sucks, and any fucker that buys his CD’s does so purely out of a childlike obsession or has a weakness for Idolising. Christ! How can I forget Boney M! But, for those of you who might have read more than a few lines in this blog, I will not venture in that direction again.
The other shit that floods the market this time of year is of course the 'Dutchmen' compilations. 50 Braavleis Treffers, Sokkie met jou Bokkie 2005 and of course the ahh (excuse me while I stiffle a yawn) The Ultimate Rock Collection #435.

Go fuck yourselves, agents of Santa!



Blow it out your arse..

I’d be all for the new smoking laws if it wasn’t so much that the government is beginning to treat us like fuckin children. Let’s face it, ex-smokers are the biggest hypochondriacs when it comes to the baseless furore created over second-hand smoke inhalation. Yeah, yeah, chill the fuck out while I explain.
I don’t give a fuck if you are a Nobel peace-prize winning Scientist, you cannot tell me that percentage-wise, second-hand smoke does more damage than the pollution our friendly industrialised neighbours force down our throats every day. (Read: America, Russia, China and Britain, to name but a few) To be quite honest we don’t exactly have a clean slate either when it comes to air pollution.
The worst is the fact that we emulate our so-called first world nations in adopting regulations and laws that infringe on our personal freedom, yet they (first-world nations) are the biggest transgressors when it comes to fucking up this Planet we call home.
Four or five decades ago, computers that used to solve simple mathematical problems had to be the size of football fields. Now they fit in the palm of your hand, and are able to do so much more. And Bush wants to tell me that solving the pollution emitted from his country’s factories will be too expensive and adversely affect profits, so as to make businesses unable to continue functioning. What the fuck is he smoking?
What pleases me about the new smoking laws is the fact that they are going to make people aware of the dangers by showing you exactly what your lungs look like when you smoke. This will be done with in-your-face advertising that, I guess, will be similar to the adverts denouncing experiments done on our fellow inhabitants of this Planet; the animals. If that doesn’t stop you smoking, I don’t think myself smacking you on the head with a blunt instrument will help either.
So stop fuckin smoking already!



…Honey! , Where’s me fuckin ashtray?

Monday, December 19, 2005

New Bike



Ja, so I finally bought another bike this weekend. And yes, it's a Kawasaki.
On a personal level, I've always leaned more towards a Yamaha than any other manufacturer, but to tell the truth each make has it's good and it's bad models. At least it's not a fuckin Honda. That would be sacrilege.
What I have now is a ZX600 motor squeezed into a 400cc body with a Ducati-type tailpiece, and a small Shark-type headlight assembly. Probably the closest I'll get to owning a Ducati. The colour I'm not gonna mention, because it is just too bloody bright, but that will be sorted soon enough with a Satin Black spray-job. It needs a little work with the 2nd gear that slips, but otherwise I'm quite chuffed.

Ink and Iron Saloon




On Saturday myself and a few friends spend the day at The Ink and Iron Saloon in the South. The music was entertaining enough to start with, but when the Band of Gypsies arrived later, it rocked. If you want to hear hard in-your-face rock then this is the band you need to listen to. There are no amateur pretences with these guys. The music is loud, and with enough of a fuck you attitude to rock your pants off.




The food was befuck and at a good price as well. I left with the good feeling of a day well spent, having seen some old friends again, and meeting a few new ones.
Hopefully, now that I'm mobile again, I might just see you guys often enough to make a fuckin nuisance of myself again.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Cops and Cowboys

Can someone please explain to me the purpose of having roadblocks in peak-hour.
For three days running now I've encountered roadblocks on different roads and highways in and around Johannesburg. The first roadblock happened on the Golden Highway travelling from Alberton to Uncle Charlie's. Thankfully I saw the back-up from a distance and was able to take a detour home via Rifle Range road. The traffic was backed up from Voortrekker Road Off ramp in Alberton all the way to Uncle Charlie's. That was ten minutes into the roadblock, and God only knows how much further it went ten or twenty minutes after that. In my estimate, the distance of the congestion created was in the region of about 10 to 15km's.
The next day I encountered another roadblock at the Maraisburg off-ramp. Thankfully the roadblock had just been set up and I was able to get through. On my way back(travelling on a different road), the traffic had already backed up to about 5 km's from the direction of Soweto. Once again this roadblock was in peak-hour. The third one was on the Soweto Highway heading from Booysens to Soweto. The cars were backed up at least 3km's within just a few minutes that I sat in traffic. The reason why I encountered all these roadblocks, is simply because I'm trying to find the best route home after picking up the missus from work.
Fuckin hell, maybe the cops know something I don't. Perhaps in training they learn that this would be the best time to catch car jackers, bank robbers, arms dealers or search for stolen vehicles.
To me, with my zero police experience, exept from the otherside-of-the-fence-perspective, it makes absolutely no fuckin sense. Most of our country's citizens, and I'd venture to say at least 90%, are working people trying to get home at this time of day. If the cops are trying to show the public that they aren't going to take shit this holiday season, they're doing it the wrong fuckin way. A bank robber must be downright fuckin stupid if he thinks the best time for a getaway would be during peak-hour traffic. If I wanted to steal a car, would I fuckin honestly attempt it at this time? I might as well walk into a cop staion and confess for thinking it. Speeding is impossible in peak-hour. So excuse me for being hugely Titanic-like dumbfounded.
Instead of munching their fuckin doughnuts at crown interchange in the mornings(Sometimes as many as 12 cop cars congregate there in the mornings), they should be part of the traffic. They cause more congestion standing at the side of a road, than they would if they were driving up and down between the traffic. That would be my solution. Give each cop a route to travel on the highways and byways around Jo'burg. Alternate the routes and swop the cops around, so that at any given time there's a cop car within k's of each other, either travelling in opposite directions or within a reasonable distance of each other, travelling in the same direction. Your reaction time to an emergency is so much quicker when you are moving, than stuffing your face or posing as a Cowboy by the side of the road. If a cop is alert enough(one can only pray for moments like these) roadblocks should only ever be necessary to prevent a getaway of some sort.
Maybe it's good that I'm not in Law Enforcement(I just wanna laugh when I say that out loud).

This rant may be just because I have such a deep-set paranoia when it comes to law-enforcement(ha, ha, ha).

And would all you fuckers waiting for the holiday traffic to thin out, please get in your fuckin cars and fuck off already, so that the few of us still working can get to and from fuckin work a little easier. Thank you very fuckin much!

Friday, December 09, 2005

The criminal cycle

I was woken this morning at about 3:15am with Black barking like there's no tomorrow. It would have been no different from any other night when someone walks past the property, however this time Black was also forcing a very low growl in the direction of our gate.
As much as I peered through the curtains I could not see what the reason for his unease was. But, as I peered through the kitchen window, I saw that our little Golf had grown a life of it's own, and was slowly wheeling itself backwards away from the house. I didn't hesitate, and woke up my girlfriend and told her to get the gun, as someone was attempting to steal our car. I switched the lights on and dearest pulled off a shot in the direction of the three fuckers, who were now, get this ; slowly jogging away down the road. I immediately phoned 147 and was put through to our nearest Police station. My girlfriend phoned her father who lives 5k's down the road, and he looked for the fuckers while driving up, but with no luck

It took the cops 25minutes to get there, which is about as far as the police station is. Not bad. They were quite friendly, and had a look around. Weird that they asked me if I had a Maglight though. And here I thought it was standard Police issue. Maybe I watch too many American cop shows, fuck knows. The cop said that they had already passed our house on two occasions that same night, once at about 9pm, when I waved at them and again at about 2am. We had two alternatives; drive the car to the cop station for fingerprinting or wait for the detectives to come from Johannesburg. My girlfriend asked if we could get a courtesy car while they did this, as we needed to get to work. Nice one baby!
The cops made no other attempt to start anything official, and chatted away while I was freezing my balls off in my shorts, so we politely waved our goodbyes, and off they went with the promise to look in on us over the next couple of days. We couldn't find the other two dogs, who had given chase down the road after the three guys. They eventually came back later, very excited and with lots of tail wagging.
So Black was tested and came through with flying colours. And of course I have to thank my girlfriend, who didn't hesitate to act when the shit hit the fan. Good on ya girl!
You guys can learn from her. Don't hesitate to hit back when you're a victim of crime. Let the fuckers know you mean business, and won't be fucked with.

And to all my "Buddies" who didn't get my hint that I want to go to the Poison Rally, and to send me money, enjoy the rally, hope you lot get so fuck drunk and loose all your fuckin money."Fuckers" ..........no seriously, have a good one.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Breathe in...



From :
Dumb-as-two-short-planks.


Dear Mr. Know-it-all,
How much does a clutch cable cost?

Well D-a-t-s-p, that all depends on where you shop(or break down for that matter).

If you break down anywhere near where I did yesterday during peak hour, I'd say about R 1810.03.
That would be discounting the frustration of pushing your car down a single lane of a very busy road, while friendly fellow-citizens stand along the pavement, pointing and smiling, without offering to help, and fifty-odd cars queing behind you, their drivers impatiently drumming their fingers on their steering wheels.

For me to reach this Quantum I had to realize the following:

A clutch cable plus installation costs more than R 114.71

In fact this would apply to any part that you ever had to replace in your car or bike. If a mechanic had to drive your car, the scraping noises that your brakes were making would be more than just the brake pads which are shot. Through his fine tuned, mechanic's-ear, he would also take note of the higher than normal decibel level of the front right bearing, and the slight shudder on the steering when he turns left while gearing down to second. Indicating a buggered CV joint. So the R180.00 that you drew at the ATM for FERODO PLATINUM'S is just not gonna fix the problem. When the mechanic gives you the final "quote", your ass is looking at working 18 hours overtime on the weekend, ...for the labour.

Here's the breakdown of my "Clutch cable replacement":

Customer Instructions: Clutch cable instalation

Workshop report and repairs : Complete clutch overhaull (After my approval)
Top up gear oil
Description parts and costs :
1 Clutch R 784.02
1 Spigot oil seal selector shaft bush (huh?) R 36.02
1 Gearoil R 45.80
1 Bearing cover R 64.19
1 Rear main oil seal and housing R 430.00

Labour R 450.00

Total R 1 810.03 + clutch cable R 114.71 Grand Total = R 1 924.74

The good that came from my breakdown :

1) A Golf that drives like a dream. Just like I'm sure It did the day it was bought.
2) Lower-than-normal blood pressure, because driving in peak-hour traffic is now less stressful.
3) Realising that my breathing exercises actually work. (See point 4 and 5 below)
4) The mechanic does good work, if you have the money.

The bad:
1) An empty bank account. Well almost. It would be if I was able to draw R 12.75.
2) My well-planned, and much-looked-forward-to weekend to the Poison Rally is up shit creek.
3) Lots of parties to go to, but.. see point 1.
4) Girlfriend's father laughing, because I paid so much.
5) Girlfriend's brother saying he would have done it for free.

That, D-A-T-S-P is the cost of a clutch cable.

Have a nice day and enjoy the Rally, Fuckers!





Friday, December 02, 2005

Completed the Peacepipe


All that is left now is to smooth the edges and engrave the buyer's name .

The Pipe is made of bamboo. With hand-stiched leather, and a terracota bowl. I used Rabbit skin around the bowl. The terracota will be stained to darken it slightly.
This pipe took me two and a half weeks to complete. The bowl is the most difficult as it needs to dry at room temperature and often cracks.