My Lord is here, and He's judging already

I Received a call from a friend's lawyer two weeks ago asking me to appear in court to serve as a witness in an RAF case. He asked me to come in to his office on the Monday before the case, so that I could be prepped for my appearance. During prepping he advised me to act as humble as possible and be respectful to the Judge, and call him Your Honour. I've been to court once before so I was quite aware as to the 'Humble' bit.

So, on Tuesday we head off to court, and after breakfast at a coffee shop(paid by the Lawyer), we gather outside court, where I'm asked to wait until it was my time to appear. After about 10 minutes, the lawyer comes rushing out and says that this Judge was a particular nasty customer, and that I should call him My Lord. I couldn't fuckin believe it. Was this guy on a ego trip or what.

After another 5 minutes I'm called in and led to the booth where I was to testify. The Judge was this timid black dude who spoke so soft, I had difficulty hearing him speak most of the time. He then proceeded to shit me out because I wasn't wearing a jacket, and told that next time I appeared, I should dress accordingly. Unless it's my destiny, I'm certainly not going to make a habit of going to court, so I played humble pie and apologised profusely.
I also thought that the "...so help me God" bit was over the top, since he was sitting right there, and any help I was gonna need was just an arm-stretch away.

Fuck, I had difficulty calling this fucker My Lord. I kept slipping into the Honour thing, and the Judge gave me quite a few unhappy glares throughout the proceedings. It fucks my nut that we're supposed to be equal by law in this country, and that I had to dress up for proceedings where I was, not to be Judged, but a witness in a civil case, for fuck sakes. The same thing appears to be the case with our politicians. They think they're above South African citizens, and it's only during elections time that they find it in their rotten hearts to stoop to our level and lick arse for votes.

Fuck all of them, and fuck the judge for thinking he's better than me. I wish I was a Christian just for that one day so that I could tell him what the fuck I think about who's Lord in this fuckin place.

Asshole.

Rock vs Rock & Roll

Elvis is dead, and yes, he couldn't sing. He was a closet gay and his clothing was an extention of his gayness.

Why is it that everytime I request a DJ to play Rock at a jol, they put on Rock & Roll. There is a major difference between the two, and I wish people who call themselves Dj's would wake the fuck up, and learn the difference.

No, Elvis is not Rock, nor is Paul Mcartney. I'm doubtful that Smokey is, and I'm certain Shakin' Stevens isn't. Meatloaf is Andrew Lloyd Webber theatrical crap and so was Rocky Horror. What the fuck's up with that shit anyway? Everytime a new generation leave high school, I find myself listening to the twats rave about that fuckin movie. It sucked, and just because one confused, smoked-up critic classified it as a cult classic, we all jump in the fire as well? Bullshit. The movie sucked and the music was a disease ridden, trance gendered bunch of shit.

I'm positive that Seether is Rock, as I'm certain that Nickleback is, and Creed and Live. Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Guns & Roses, and AC/DC all Rock. Certain songs may verge on Metal, there's the occasional ballad, but essentially It's Rock.
And please!, for the last fuckin time! Dozi's Rock album wasn't original, people. I think his original to cover ratio is about 80% in favour of cover versions.

If you want to define Rock & Roll, think Chuck Berry, Ducktails, stovepipes(tight pants) with white socks and girls that wear pink dresses that look like church bells. They swing, and throw each other around and shuffle their feet like they're killing roaches or something.

It's not Rock, and it hasn't been since Shakin' admitted the King was dead, discovered drugs and moved on. Maybe it's time you do too.

Spreading the plague

It was a chilling loss of comfort the day when, after a certain chain of events had unfolded, I realized the Town I live in was fucked up. The people, morality, ethics, and the simple act of conversation had dissolved into mindless banter or derogatory statements.

Now that I’m aware, I see and hear it every day. I see people dying alone, and I hear people deceiving each other for the smallest of gains.

There are no alliances or sinister organizations where the ‘collective’ is paramount, as the conspiracy theorists like to make us believe. We as humans have digressed into a self-absorbed and useless fuckin species. The fuckers that walk among us, seeking out conflict, in however large or small quantities, and then disolve into the crevasses from which they crept. Gleeful smiles on their faces.

The fuckers, that swindle, cheat and lie, without the merest thought of love, compassion or tenderness. The group that hurt, without feeling or soul, the very thing that soothes any sane person. Nature.

I need to get the fuck out of here, and meet up with some decent folk again. If there are any left out there.

The scariest thing of all, is that the very fuckers that plague my neighbourhood with their self-centered attitudes, are the same people moving away from the city to go and spread the plague to our smaller towns.

Need to find another planet we do.

Dick of the Decade

Leon 'Poester' Schuster

I've wanted to write about this fucker for some time now, but something always comes up. And now that I see he's got a new movie out, I feel I'm motivated enough to tell you what an absolute cunt he is.

I'm not saying one shouldn't occasionally laugh for absolutely no fuckin reason, but my funny bone is only prepaired to stretch so far when it comes to this cunt's movies.

I enjoyed Jamie Uys' Beautiful People and maybe God's must be Crazy made me laugh, but Leon's attempt at slapstick is so far off the mark, I can't get myself to laugh at the crap. His movies are so schoolboy-ishly contrived it makes my bile rise. Now, you're gonna tell me that all the fuckin people in his movies, have no fuckin idea it's Leon dressed as an Arab here, dressed as a black man there. For fuck sakes! Even I could tell it was the fucker posing as a woman in one of his movies.

What also fucks me, is his total alloofness when he's interviewed. If you weren't wise to the fucker, you'd think he was a bloody Spielberg or something. Christ, I get so livered when people want to tell me about the 'Funny' bits in his latest movie. There are no fuckin funny bits, assholes. It's all situation-based. There's no true comedial acting. You can have anyone slipping on that banana peel, and it would be funny. Okay, maybe funny to his followers.
I wouldn't hesitate to make a Schuster-type movie to the liking of the millions of fucknuts in South Africa. A dozen banana peels here, some farting over there, and over zealous attempts at clowning everywhere. I'll take your money like I was God or something.

And go fuck yourself if you think South African movies are good. They fuckin suck! The Editors have no fuckin idea about continuity, and our actors 'ACT' too much. Yes, in case you're not aware, a truly brilliant actor doesn't act. He or she 'becomes' the person or 'character' they are potraying. If you're doing Shakespeare, there's exagerated posturing and over dramatisation, because Shakespeare's works are meant for live theatre.
South African actors are under the impression that this dramatisation is necessary in Film as well, and the better they become at it, the better actors art' they. The chances of a South Africa emulating Charlize Theeren, and making it in Hollywood is as slim as someone Butt fucking me at a Gay festival.

Films that turned out more than reasonable in this country were mostly directed by foreign Directors, and had foreign proffesionals working in key positions.

During the nineties, I was doing catering in the SA film industry, and had the displeasure of meeting Leon Schuster. He's a doos, and all his interested in is taking your fuckin money. For that and only that do I take my hat off to him. He knows how to milk your wallets.

On a blog hosted by Mweb, someone made a list of movies he wanted to take his girlfriend to for Valentines. He invited people to comment on his blog as to which movie they would suggest for the evening. Big Mommas House 2, was on that list. Need I say any more about the taste of some of you fuckers out there. For as long as you eagerly await Leon's movies, he will keep turning out the shit.

Fuck off you useless excuse for a film maker.

Please feel free to comment your view on this fucknut.

Stop Voting. Now!

Join NVP(the No Voting Party) Don't send contributions, and don't phone us. We only have one policy: Don't Vote!

Political Parties are spending too much money soliciting our votes for the regional elections. And they spend half their time in parliament arguing about shit, and nothing get's done.

I say it's time we stop voting. Yes, you read right. We need to show the Anc that we're not happy with service delivery.
We're not happy that every day more and more of our basic human rights are violated by overzealous law inforcement officials.
We need to tell them that the state of government hospitals is not acceptable and that Citizens are dying.
Our transport system sucks, to say the least. Half the roads in the country are in disrepair and it takes a person in Johannesburg an average of an hour(minimum) to get to work. Most people living on the outskirts of the city borders spend up to two hours on the road to work. Every year we have to leave for work earlier and earlier. We have no time left for our families, and hardly any social life to speak of. It is time the roads are sorted out. The traffic cops are not trained to deal with people, and often show disrespect to Citizens. They should realise that the badge does not give them the right to treat Citizens like shit.

Ministers and local government officials should get off their fuckin pedestals and realise that they are no better than us, and that most of them aren't even qualified to do the the job they don't do anyway. Mbeki, and his cronies in the upper echelon of government must come back to earth, and realise the needs of the people. At the moment they're not delivering fuckall.

I'm also sick and fuckin tired of the opposition. All they do all fuckin day, is complain and complain. Instead, they should be assisting the government in the departments where qualified management is lacking. There shouldn't be a Anc, a DA, Freedom Front or Independants. They should all work together to make this fuckin country right. If they pool their expertise and resources, there won't be a problem they can't fix.
Parliament should be similar to the trouble-shooting meetings the corporate world has to sort shit out. You start complaining in Parliament, and you get chucked out. If you don't have constructive problem solving skills, fuck off!

What the parties are doing is making Citizens gang up on each other, over which party to vote for. It's crap. We're all being taken for a ride, whether you support the ANC or CDP. How many of you have actually read the various parties' constitutions or policies? Not that many, I'm sure.

If there's one way to send a message to the government and the opposition, it's by not voting. It's the only time they're going to realize something is wrong. No political party has ever been good to the Citizens in this country. I don't care how far you go back.

Stop being a lapdog and make your voice unheard.

Don't Vote!

On the Wagon

Four Weeks and counting.

Yes folks, it's been four weeks since I last listened to commercial Radio, and I feel great. No more frustrations, no listening to fat assholes talking shit on Highveld. No more screaming idiots on 5FM. My mind is free from stress, and I listen to Rock from morning to afternoon. My productivity has improved, and I'm no longer shouting or banging on the radio. No need to leave my office to have a smoke or take a walk.

If ever I made a new year's resolution that I'm gonna stick to, it was my choice to kiss commercial Radio goodbey. Even if I had to loose my internet connection, I still have Gigabytes of music on my PC, so even temptation ain't getting in my door.

I'm currently listening to Southern Ontario's best Rock station - HTZfm 97.7 - check it out at http://www.htzfm.com/player/player. The best show by far is from 1pm SA time, When Iron Mike airs the morning show out of Niagra. The music is alternative Rock with spans of hilarious interludes. In the morning when I get to my office I listen to WAPS - 91.3FM out of Akron Ohio. They play a combination of soft Rock, Blues and Folk. there's a lady on Air at lunch, SA time with a very sultry seductive voice. Very sexy. You can find them at www.radiotower.com
Just search under Rock.

The only time I hear commercial Radio these days is when I walk through the factory to take a piss or get coffee.

COMMERCIAL RADIO CAN KISS MY ASS!

Cage-proof clothing

For the past 4 months I've been going to work in a car, and my perception that drivers in Gauteng are idiots, persists. There are always bikes on the road and I (obviously) always, make space for them to pass. It's just fuckin logical aint it? A bike is able to weave between traffic, and it's simple courtesy to let a faster vehicle pass, no matter whether it's a ten ton truck or a Pasola.

Well, I thought this is how our brains compute in an overcrowded society.
Not in Fuckin Jo'burg it doesn't. Here in Jo'burg it's fuck the rest, I'm the best, and if you get in my way, I'm gonna pull some motherfuckin roadrage on you. For those of you who are as gifted as I am, and posses more than 2 braincells, and understand simple mathematics, the following is quite obvious:

When you are merging with traffic, you should be doing exactly that, merging. Stopping at the junction of Highway and onramp, waiting for a gap, is gonna get you nowhere. You are an idiot.

If you are on the Highway and you do not allow traffic to merge from the onramp, you are an idiot.

If you are doing 80km/h in the right hand lane of the highway in a 120km/h zone, people will bunch up behind you and cause a traffic jam. You are an idiot.

The shiny thingy's on both sides of your vehicle, are called mirrors, together with the one in the middle of your windscreen, they have the amazing ability to reflect the rear view to the left,right and centre of your vehicle. You can actually see motor vehicles AND motorcycles approaching, and make way for them to pass. If you didn't notice, you are an idiot.

Just because motorcycles are sleeker and more manoeuvrable than a car, and get their owners to their destinations faster, doesn't give you the right to push them off the road.
Deliberately weaving your car across the road as they approach is dangerous, and makes you a super-idiot.

It's been proven on every track in the world; motorcycles are faster than cars. Your 406km/h Bentley is not gonna get you to Sandton faster than me. Unless they ban ALL other cars from the road. So stop dicing me, I just want to get to my home/office. Your an idiot.

You work for Auto & General Insurance. In the claim, the driver notes that he didn't see the bike coming/going. Unless he stole his licence, and never went for a test, he should know about his mirrors. There are three of them, not including the neck's amazing ability to twist left and right. He's lying, and if you believe him, you're an idiot.

Apart from safety wear, a motorcyclist has no protection around his body. If you hit a motorcyclist with your car, he's gonna get hurt, even at low speeds. If you have choices, hit a car or pole. It's going to cost you some money, but at least it's not culpable homicide.

Moving slightly to the left on a road to let a motorcyclist pass, is going to earn you tons of respect in an otherwise ungrateful world.

To the government. Fuck you and your disrespect for motorcyclists.

We save you tons of fuel, every year. - Where's the rebate on fuel?
We don't damage the roads. - We pay the same toll as a vehicle weighing over a ton. Why?
We don't cause traffic jams. - Where's the special lanes for bikes only?

These are just a few of the small things we do to make your job easier, and still we are persecuted by your Citizens and Police Force.

And after trying to stay alive in a constant battle against cars and their inconsiderate owners, you go and erect 'fuck-you-bikers' fences all over the place. Do you have any fuckin idea in your rabbit-size brains what those fences can do to a biker. I've seen a car ripped in half, injuring the driver inside. What chance does a biker have. Are you fuckin mad?
So fuck you!

To my friends on bikes, out there braving the fuckers everday. I salute you!

Har(d)ley Granny

My gran loves bikers.

Well, she loves me, and I'm a biker.

My nephew had his Christianing yesterday, and my brother invited us over to his house, for snacks, after the service.

I of course know what snack means in our family. It is something that can only be overshadowed by Saturday tea at Buckingham Palace. There was roast Beef, Bobotie, Chicken Pie, Beetroot salad, Carrot and Pineapple, Potato bake, and much more. And because every member of the family contributed, you were obliged to eat a bit of everything. The Aunts were swarming around our plates all the time, adding more of their dish, just as the last scrap went to our stomachs. The result was twenty or so, very bloated family members lying around afterwards, much the same as a pack of wild dogs after gorging on a carcass.

I was sitting(lying) on the couch, trying unsuccesfully to digest the food in my very unhappy stomach, when my Gran came and sat down next to me. She asked me when I was getting married, where I was able to find such a young woman at my age, and when I was going to take her(gran) for a ride on my Harley. Almost all in one breath, which meant she doesn't really care about marriage, my girlfriend, or my age. At the top of her mind was when I was taking her on my Harley. I don't ride a Harley, but to my gran, Harley means Bike. She asked me about riding to Rallies, drinking too much, leather jackets and the fighting. I sat chatting to her for quite a while, before B said that we needed to go, as we had a long road ahead.

As my gran heads for her next thousand years on the Planet, and the rest of us peg around her, she will continue to dream of going on a Harley. Bless her ever-beating heart.

Dear Mr. Thabo Mbeki,

I'm very impressed with your efforts to bring peace and harmony to this great continent we call Africa.

But, the rate of your success in countries to the north, pale in comparison with the rate of decline in your own country. I think you can make so many more buddies, right here in your own country. And let's be honest, this is where it matters.

You can cement your position in government even further, by helping out some local folk.
The bonus is that you don't have to worry about using our money to fly all over the continent, and sort shit out. The photos I have included for your perusal, are taken right here in your own country. They were taken quite recently, and I'm sure nothing has changed even if they were taken ten years ago. The fact is, all you have to do is fill up the SL600 and take a trip(incognito if you whish) around the shithole which we call home. I'm not sure if you consider it your home, as you're too busy scoring brownie points across our borders, but nevertheless, for every trip you or your esteemed -look I'm flying again- vice president take, you could be using the money cleaning up the growing dumpyard in South Africa.

The pictures you are viewing are unfortunately not in Sandton, Camps Bay or Balito, so a stop-over at a larney coffe shop will have to wait till you get back to parliament on the 3d, for your state of the nation address. Please feel free to save these photos to your state-of-the-art laptop, and use it as back-projection while you chat about your new -PLAN-. They're high-resolution and unedited , so Tony won't interupt your speech with his endless crying.

Shit, you beat me to the podium, and probably walking up to address the nation, while I'm still knee deep in crap here in Orange Farm. You can check the photos out on Monday.