The Expert in Biker matters...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

How do I become a Dumbass-Biker for my first Rally,as opposed to those Bikers who've been around for years and always look so cool?

Well, It's really quite easy if you follow my 10 easy steps to being an asshole.

1. Get yourself an old Denim wastecoat(Jackets without sleeves). Alternatively get a Denim jacket and cut the sleeves off. About R50 from your local Station flea market.
Throw it around in the dirt and stomp on it, so it looks used. Some okes piss on it. That's olraait, do it for that 'extra touch'. Chicks smaak the animal smell anyway.

2. Get a big Honda cloth badge, and stitch it on the back of your new jacket. Make sure you stitch it by hand and that it sits a bit skeef.

3. Dig into your father(pa)/uncle(oom)/grandfather's(oupa) old army trunk, and find some old army badges and attach them to the front-left and right of your jacket. You can also buy some cloth badges at the non-biker stalls at rallies with some lekker fuck-you statements embroided on them. Like ; Praat Afrikaans of Vokkof! - Bikers eat their young - 100% BITCH etc, etc,..

4. Buy overpriced t-shirts at the same stalls with fuck-you statements on the front. Tear some holes in them and smear grease or dirt on them.
Don't buy expensive, 100% cotton t-shirts, with once off logos. These will make you stand out and look too different.

5. Borrow the old HONDA XL 125 from your grandfather's farm, or standing in the backyard. Take out the Baffle(not the Dof-look, but the insides of the exhaust), and give it a lekker spray job. You can buy spray cans from your local Hardware store. The coolest colours are mostly Purple, Pink or lekker dayglo Green or Yellow. Don't spray it dark colours like Black, Blue or heaven forbid Ducati-Red. That looks way-too-cool, and people will be standing around admiring your bike the whole day.

6. The next step is gonna be your most expensive, and you should choose carefully. Go to the Oriental Plaza in Jo'burg, or any Indian or Chinese Clothing warehouse. Buy yourself those lekker biker jackets made from Genuine Immitation Leather. They have some nice Bike-racing decals on already. Remember to choose the ones with the brightest colours. You could even match it to the colour of your bike. It's gonna set you back about R200.00, but if you do some wheeling and dealing you could bring it down to about R125.00 or so.
You're almost ready

7. Go to your local Pawn shop and pick up a lekker helmet. They go for about R30 to R70. They're just as safe as the expensive ones. Spray the helmet the same colour as your bike. If you really wanna make a statement, put a dayglo Mohican hairstyle thing on the helmet. That's really gonna pull the chicks.

8. Now, go to your first Rally (The Rhino and Impala are very popular with okes who think the same way you do). Remember to bitch and moan about the high entrance fee. I mean R150.00 for the whole weekend is a bloody rip-off.

9. Find a lekker spot, preferably as close as possible to someone else's tent, and set up camp. I almost forgot.. you must remember to swear as much as possible, all the time. Otherwise no one's gonna take you seriously.

Now comes the easiest part.

10. Drink as much as possible, in fact, drink more than you think you can handle. Then ride your bike up and down the whole weekend, and cause kak with everyone you see. Once some oke stands his ground and fucks you up silly, you'll know you've arrived in the world of biking. Then you can go home on Sunday, and only have to come back to the same Rally again next year.

So maklik soos meid-naai.
Good luck

Real Surfing.. Foaming waves, getting wet and stuff.

On Saturday when I came into the office, my internet connection was down. After trying whatever I could internally, I realised the problem was bigger than I could handle, and left it at that. On Monday our technical guy said that he needed to get hold of the 'People', because he couldn't find the problem either. So eventually the 'People' rock up on Wednesday and start testing. After much ohh and aahing they finally realise that the Hub is blown and needs to be replaced. We happen to have a spare one, and I wait for my local area connection to flash on, while I work away. After about an hour, still fuckin nothing. So I hop over to the next office and ask if they're connected. Yes, they are, but the boss has disconnected my cable, as I do not need the internet for work. Just fuckin lovely. Thanks for telling me fuckhead. At first I wasn't too bothered. I can always use someone elses pc should I need to check or send mail. I could also upload my articles to my blog, from another pc or do it from an Internet Cafe over the weekend. But, then I asked myself that question again.. Why?
We have an unlimited 'cap' on our server. So money or space is not the problem. I check my mail in the mornings before work( 6:30am. to 7:45am). I don't have time during the day to surf, so I'm mostly on the Internet on my breaks. So if he thought it interfered with my work, he was wrong. I don't download that much, but that's a space issue, which again is not a problem. So why, Boss? Is it because you're just a grumpy old fuck and you want to piss me off? Is it because I work my fuckin butt off for shit pay, and you wanna give me more grief? Or heaven's forgive me, I just don't need it for work.

I haven't been to the coast for a really long time, so I think I'm gonna put in some over-time (A lot) which I don't need, get myself a longboard and head down to Durban for a weekend. In fact, I think I'll do it this December, seeing as the work has really piled up, and with deadlines looming before we close for Christmas Season, it will be just dandy.

Ahh yes, that will do just fine thank you.

Fully dudes!

Rugby World Cup 2011

It's all my fault, I'm useless.. whaaaaa...







Boo hoo hoo... We lost the bid to host the Rugby World Cup. Ag shame.
The only thing that I'm perplexed about(Francois Pienaar was) , is the fact that New Zealand got it. Fuck me, but how do you expect to spread the game around the World if the World Cup is only hosted by the top nations in the game? I think Japan showed amazing character in the previous World Cup, and it was a slap in the face of Rugby growth in the World to give it to a country who has already hosted a cup.
So Francois Pienaar was perplexed. Was he perplexed because he thought it was a foregone conclusion? Or is there really a old-school Rugby fraternity that hold all the cards, and it was expected that we should host? Fuck them all then. Who the fuck do we think we are these days. We (South Africa) have become so smug with self-importance since our new democracy, that we seem to think we are the only country in the world worth talking about. We thought hosting the Rugby World Cup was a great achievement. Apart from the fact that we won the cup, it was far from successful. And now we've got the Soccer World Cup in 2010. Do they have any fuckin idea how huuuge soccer is, as apposed to Rugby in the World. Most countries don't even fuckin know what Rugby is. To make matters worse the so-called Gautrain is in big shit. Not only do I think it won't be ready in time for the cup, I don't think it's gonna work even if it is completed.(mark these words)
Once you've hosted a World cup in sport, or even the Olympic Games, that's it. You shouldn't be allowed to bid for at least 20 years. Give some of the bottom ten a chance to host. Spread the fortunes, and uplift sport and education where it's needed.
We don't need the exposure or the money. Our government has money, but they just don't allocate it according to necessity. And if they need money, get it from the Lotto. Those fuckers who run it, are getting way to fuckin rich.

The Bok team manager, Arthrob Petersen, said in reaction: "To say we're disappointed is and under statement. We honestly thought South Africa had a very good chance to host the RWC.
"Given our infra-structure ( What fuckin infra-structure? ) and the expertise we have to host a tournament of such magnitude, I thought common sense ( Excuse me? ) would prevail and we would get the bid. (Dream on fuckers)

The dog, Ice-cream and Wet dreams.

I'm convinced my dog is conscious of the world around him, and knows exactly what I'm saying or doing.
Everytime I do something that interrupts 'Black-time' , something goes wrong. Last night I left the Ice-cream on the kitchen table to soften a bit, and continued to play with Black. About an hour later my phone rang. You should know that Black get's seriously pissed off when my phone rings longer than necessary. He either starts howling, or bails out of the room. I went outside to speak, and was busy for quite a while. When I returned to the kitchen after my call, the ice-cream was all over the floor, and Black was merrily licking it all up. There was nothing I could do. There's no way I was gonna pick it up and eat it. So I just let Black at it.
A while ago I left my supper on the table, and popped out to the cafe to get some Coke. When I returned Black had eaten everything. I ended up having Hot dogs for supper.
He watches every move I make, just waiting for the opportunity to make me aware of my stuff-ups. Or sometimes, he just does things to test my patience. I leave the door open for him the whole time before I go to bed. He has the freedom to go for a leak, or walk as he pleases. The moment I close up, and get into bed, he will get up and go and scratch at the door to be let out. It's annoying, and I think he does it out of spite.
At crucial times during a Need4Speed race, he'd just walk straight past, snagging the control, and there goes my car, flying into crapstreet. Other times he'd lie flat on the control-wire and I'd have to shift right to the edge of my seat to continue. And I'm sure I can hear him snigger, or see him sneer sardonically out of the corner of my eye.
The other thing Black does is weird. He has wet dreams. I'm not kidding! At least once every week or so, I find him on his couch, curled up into the smallest ball, 'going at it'. In the past I tried to make him stop, but that's just not possible. He's humping away with this look on his mug, while his body contorts and jerks away. Now what I do, is take this opportunity to get back at him for the times that he pisses me off. I'd put some leftovers in front of him, and taunt him to eat it. Or walk out the door and call him with cheery happy sounds. The poor dog is disabled. He can't stand or even acknowledge what's going on around him. When he eventually manages to get up(Still jerking), he goes straight for biting my ankles, as if getting me back for mocking him.
Dogs, you gotta love 'em.

Eddie Guerrero

Okay, I must admit. As much as I bitch and moan about the farce of Wrestling to my friends, I am secretly a fan. I bite my nails and smoke more than is the norm during the hour of wrestling. Eddie was by far the most entertaining of the lot.

Lie, cheat and steal...

Rest In Peace Eddie

Dear Mr. President..

We need a revolution. A real revolution. A revolution by the people, the citizens, the true and only rulers of this nation. A revolution of burning cars, where treasonist government officials get the noose.
The government has forgotten why they were elected. They steal our money, they disregard the poor, and blame everyone but themselves.
Mr. Mbeki was very upset about the burning of commuter trains the other day. I say let them burn baby, let them burn. Our transport system is in a state of fuckin disrepair, and instead of firing the fuckin minister in charge, he takes his anger out on the people. Well fuck that, for missing the point completely.
I don't see a five year plan to sort this shit out. Fuck, I don't think the government even have a five month plan! Why do the fuckers only get off their fat arses when the shit hits the fan? We as citizens should stop kissing arse, or take this shit lying down. The government has the god-damn responsibility to do the fuckin job they were elected to do. Instead they make lame-ass excuses every time something goes wrong. The only time they show and inkling of a brain-wave, is when we get the Rugby, Soccer or Cricket World Cup.
Fuck the Sport, for fuck sakes! Give me a transport system where I can get to work on time, without having to wake up at 4am, and you'll be halfway to cracking a smile on my face. Give me a Hospital where I walk out healthier than when I walked in. Give me a water and lights bill that truly reflects what I use every month. Stop charging me toll fees for riding a motorbike. I'm doing my bit to save energy and fuel, so why don't you reward me for that, instead of your 'Brown Shirts' harassing me around every fuckin corner. And you can, Oh My God! me, all you like, but fuck the old people! They're taking up space, and using valuable resources, just to be a pain in the neck for another few years. Fuck'em. If you're dying, you're dying. Give the man peace, and let him go. I'm heading for old age, and I couldn't be less stressed than having passed a fart.
So what? If I reach Fifty, cool. If I don't, whatever. If I can still move and shag at Sixty, well, blow me over. If I make Seventy, I've gone to far. I'll be the grumpiest old fart in the world anyways.
Don't even let me get started on the Safety Situation in my Country. Fuck the statistics. Get your hands dirty and sort the criminals out. Stop treating them like porcelain, and send the fucker away for Christ sakes.
And blow me, but fuck the rest of the world as well. What small percentage of the citizens will get to see it, apart from on photos anyway? Fuck Sierra Leone, Fuck Syria, and Fuck the DRC as well.
Look after us first Mr. President. When you've sorted out the crap that is our Country, then you can go and flash your Armani at the Monte Carlo Christmas Ball.
And you fuckers on the street. Stop lapping up all the shit that is fed to you by the government. Our country is fucked up. The sooner you realize it the better for all of us.

Look beyond Table Mountain. We have nothing to be proud of.

Dark Dreams...

Dark Dreams

My dreams are all dark. They've always been. I can't remember that I've ever had happy dreams. Dreams of sunshine and beaches.

I dream of mountains, dark mountains. I'm high up in trees. Dark Trees. Trees so high they touch.. nothing. I'm standing or walking on high walls, rooftops and visiting Malls that are high up in the mountains. Always end up in this one store. A sort of hardware store. It's always dark. There's a woman that also walks there in the store. She's looking at the displays, touching things. She has very long, dark hair. I go up some stairs, and then I'm outside, high up in the mountains. It's very green and the branches of the trees are swaying. I'm high up, and when I jump, I land in a pool. The pool is so deep. The water a dark blue-green. I dive deep down, but see no bottom. I keep diving.
My air runs out, and I wake up.

I've had this dream forever.

No Honky-tonk shit here...

We went to the Farm Party, held by Cedric and friends in Walkerville, and it was just the way to spend a Saturday. No Honky-Tonk American-South shit. The Music was good Rock, inter-mixed with some mellow blue-sey rythms and fantastic interludes by guest musos who know where it's at.
I kept eyeing the pile of tree stumps, so very ready to be lighted for the bon-fire, but managed to contain myself this time round, and just enjoyed the music and good crowd. The beers were cold, and the Rum smelt like it should, smelly.

Good on ya Cedz. When's the next one?